I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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