i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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