This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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