Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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