i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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