The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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