i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
