when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
