Dude my mom stole all your condoms
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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