the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
