I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
