Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
