Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
