My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
