dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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