Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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