dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
