just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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