Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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