I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
home. puking in laundry basket.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you made out with another girl for some wings
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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