im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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