He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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