apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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