my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
