So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
