dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
