At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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