Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
