living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
