Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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