Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
