remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
