so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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