PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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