I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
