is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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