she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
