Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
