what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize