you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
