party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
