Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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