Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
