Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
