Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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