she woke up with a sticky ear
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
