I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
