there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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