I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
