dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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