You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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