6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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