After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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