i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
