Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
