He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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