Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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