i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the day after is always just damage control
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
