Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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