fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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